Junk Fooded

I dont like the person I've become

2010-01-01T23:23:00.001-08:00

On to greener pastures.

hmm now what?

2009-12-31T12:32:00.002-08:00

So i made a discovery yesterday. And I've been sitting here staring at a blank screen trying to think of an adjective for it. And you know, for the life of me I cant think of one that is fitting to the emotion that this revelation brings about. I should be happy, because its a good escape route, at the same time I should be depressed because its quite a realistic validation of who I am.

Im a boring person. Its sounds simple, and I think largely as a society we are pretty boring. If you look at everyones day to day life you make the connection that life sucks. But I'm just not as interesting as I thought.

So here is my issue. Every time i find a new girl to hang out with she becomes enthralled with me and acts like Im the coolest dood shes ever met... Sound conceited I know but Im just being real... and give me a second and we'll get full circle. After about week 2 of hanging out with me she's starting to think she wants more out of this relationship. This is the natural progression of every relationship I understand, and i guess i was kidding myself thinking i was different. She wants to go out, she wants to meet my friends, she wants me to meet her friends. And meeting her friends is all good with me... cause that gives me more girls i can potentially bang. Im getting side tracked. So all these years I've been thinking this is just their way of trying to bridge the casual sex to girlfriend gap. But now i see that im wrong. Im just not as interesting as I had always thought. All this time Ive been living under the deception that im awesome at sex and have way funny things to say when we're lying next to each other naked. Why would they ever need anything more. But i guess the charm wears off quick, and the routine gets old.

Maybe its time for some new material.

Some people arent as progressive as me.

2009-11-16T11:16:00.000-08:00

This is a real text message conversation between me and a girl i met at the coffee shop the other day.

ME: Hey wanna still hang out tonight?

Her: What'd you have in mind?

Me: Hoodrat stuff?

Her: Haha well anything specific?

Me: Umm I dont know, play tetris, watch a movie, let me try to take your clothes off, I don't really have much of an agenda. Lets just see where the night takes us.

Her: Take my clothes off? Thats most likely a negatory.

Me: Well i did say try.

Her: Well i think to be fair i should let you know I'm pretty damn celibate unless im in a serious relationship.

Me: Oh thats totally cool, Im not at all. I guess this will be a battle between good an evil

Her: hmmm alright?

Me: And who said anything about S anyways... Im just talking about getting you out of your clothes.

Her: "S"? haha No one did, but I usually try to keep my clothes on.

Me: Clothes are restrictive, they stifle our creativity

Her: Well props to you for being creative. If you wanna hang out we can but my clothes are staying on.

Me: Boring.

Her: Ok well have a good night then

Me: Are you in a bad mood or something.

Her: I wasnt till about 615 (its 6:20 now)

Me: Oh really what happened? The Broncos lost at like 3 or 4 you cant still be upset about that can you?

Her: You only want to hang out if I take my clothes off. And so now i dont want to hang out.

Me: Ohhh ok now i get it.

This could happen to anybody

2009-10-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

So how many names are there really... Like maybe 6. I don't know i didn't count but really as a society we just are not as clever as we let on. So to get two different people with the same name confused is easy really. Yeah i know what you're thinking "that's what we have last names for". Well think about what you just said... Actually no I'll make the connection for you. If it were up to me I wouldn't even learn these girls first names. Last names? Don't be absurd.

Well Ive been working hard on a new go to girl. My first resource is the contacts I already have. So i went though my phone and texted a few girls that i thought might respond favorably. There was a lot of no responses and blow offs... And not the good type of blow off. But as luck would have it I did get a positive response... Well as so I thought.

Girl "Are you serious? I'm down lets hang out"
Me "awesome... come over"
Girl "ok give me like 20"
Me "listen lady i just got home you re gonna have to do something to fill maybe an hour, while i decompress"
Girl "you re a jerk... but ok I haven't seen you for ever"

I think to myself what an odd thing to say... I saw her like a week ago at a show. Well in girl years maybe a week equals like six months. After an hour or so she texts "I'm out side" so i walk out on the porch to meet her... Terror strikes!!!! It all makes sense now!

Its this total ugo that i thought was hot in a dark crowded movie theater but i was wrong wrong wrong. And she conveniently has the same name as this hot girl that Ive been trying to bang for like a year now.

How the fuck do i get out of this one?

Hmm well then...

2009-10-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

Well i got broken up with last night. I didn't have a girlfriend or anything but i had this regular thing. And she severed the ties, said it wasn't meant to be. I would be lying if i said i wasn't upset by this. I imagine this is what getting broken up with feels like. Well to a much lesser extent. But just because i rock doesn't mean that I'm made of stone.
So now I'm out there looking for this new go to girl. She needs to be semi attractive and willing to understand the rules of the game. But these girls of the 00's never seem to get it. Maybe ill just have to get a real GF until we hit 2010. I have a feeling girls of the 10's are going to be much more progressive. Sorta like the 90's but better dressed with looser morals.

So heres to the future. And to hell with the past. There is no where to go but up!

Stalking is a criminal offense lady...

2009-10-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

Well before i start, I once applied at a grocery store to be one of the guys that stocks the shelves at night, and on my application I put Night Stalker. The interviewer didn't think it was as funny as i did.

Any ways. So old Grossy McGrosserson. Yeah one story below. We're getting close to stalker status. She keeps sending me these creepy text messages. Like "we should hang out again", "i would like to see you", "I miss you". Seriously lady? We hung out one time. I think maybe 24 words were spoken between us. If i remember correct we talked about your job on the way to my house... We walked in and i said "wanna watch a movie?" and you said "not really" then less than 10 mins later i was balls deep in your so called vagina... And that's still under debate. Its not even possible for you to know enough about me to even know what it would feel like to miss me. Get real. Take care of your child.

But all this reminds me of a past experience. About 3 years or so ago... maybe 2 I don't really remember. I met a girl at a bowling alley she seemed sorta cute, well cute enough to convince we should bang. Oddly enough we never did. But I did eventually get her over to my house and got her into her underwears. I think she was on her womanly cycle and that's why we couldn't slam privates. I don't know like Ive said before... I'm no doctor.

After that she started getting weird... like bringing me treats to my work, and i never told her where i work... Calling at like 9 am seeing if i could hang out, crazy shit like that... So one day she texted literally at 9 am asking if i wanted to hang out... I made up a lie saying i was sick... Well what do you think she did? Just say "oh well feel better and hit me up when you are"... NO SHE DIDNT... she kept calling and texting and once i stopped responding she came to my fucking house with a can of soup!!! I hear a knock at the door... I instantly hit the deck... Army crawl to the window and peak out... She's standing there looking like a lost puppy with a can of shitty Campbell's in her hand... Get a life bitch... I army crawl back out of sight in case she decides to peer though the windows (which she did). Feeling out of harms way in my room I have a flash back to me telling her "Yeah i never really lock my back door". It was like a scene out of a horror movie. I instantly had a cold flash over my body and a overwhelming sense of fear. So back to the floor i go, crawl into my office and take up solace in the closet clutching a gun.

Sure enough i hear the back door creak open and a voice "Hello? Are you home?" Are you fucking kidding me lady, is this for real. She is wandering though my house looking for me. What am I gonna do if she finds me in the closet? How am I going to explain why I'm hiding? In my head I'm convinced I'm just going to have to kill this girl and hide her body in the woods. Luckily it never got that far. She had her way in my house for about five mins then left... after about an hour of crying and convincing myself it was ok I emerged from my hiding place. What do i find? The can of soup and a note expressing her feelings for me.

That was the last I heard of her... But i think i heard a few months ago she was in town and asking about me.

It cant be pre-marital if i never plan on getting marital.

2009-10-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

OK well its not that i don't have any stories... Cause I do. A gross one. Seriously gross, like makes me gag reliving it in my head. And really I didn't expect it to all that awesome, there comes a time in every mans life when the word gets uttered... "slump bust" yes ladies and gentleman I had to go for the slump bust. But the horror i saw while in those trenches might result in some type of professional counseling in the distant future. Like somebody that counsels Nam Vets. Somebody that knows how to deal with real trauma.

But after this real horror show i was thinking... What about those poor men who have made a strong conviction to stay celibate until marriage. Can you imagine how you would feel dating a girl and thinking you love her enough to spend the rest of your life with her and not have any clue what type of offense she is running down there? Then that magical night comes about. Your first sexual experience and this girl has a 70s bush with some type of feminine odor problem. What now? You just swore before god and jesus that you will obey and cherish this stinky hairy sasquach for the rest of your life.

How i've come to this conclusion was born from this last experience. This last girl on the surface was a solid 6 and i think i could even bump her up to a 6.5 if we took her out shopping for some nicer clothes. Like she could probably convince some idiot she is wife material. Because she was semi cute on the surface and an ok personality, but once we get into the thick of things is when it all started falling apart. Boobs were floppy and gross. Her stomach had these nasty stretch marks. And this may be true or not and I'm no doctor, but i think her vagina and asshole had merged into one single hole. She had a kid but i think the fucker is like 6 by now... that's plenty of time to get back to your once true shape.

So back to my argument. How can you truly love a girl if you don't know her every inch. How could you look a woman in the eye that physically disgusts you. And the sad thing is these people that are such avid no pre-marital are the same types that are very anti divorce. I cant even think of a worse hell than that. I really cant.

On a closer. I had to throw my sheets away.

Fuck you craigslist...

2009-09-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

So after years of going down hill the Internet is finally boring to me. Ive deleted all of my social networking sites seeing as they never really seem to bring me the girls they always promise. After about 10 mins of interneting im 100% bored with it. There has to be more out there. But i assure you there isnt.

So every now and then I get on Craigslist to check the missed connections for maybe some broad put something in there about me... But still to this day nothing. Im out there, im at all the slc functions. You would think i would strike the eye of a nice lady actually she doesnt need to be that nice. Either way nothing. I sometimes consider the prostitute section. But not for fear of being the guy that buys hookers, cause i would totally buy a hooker. But i really dont wanna have to talk my way out of an arrest by some hot lady cop pretending to be a mistress of the night. Then i look at the ladies looking for men section and I dont think theyre looking for the same things I am. Well i guess its just not 2002 any more and I need to look out in the real world for a girl.

Wish me luck

I am a real asshole

2009-09-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

I was at work the other day killing time before a show. I didn't feel like driving all the way home to change shirts to i figured i would just go to the store and treat myself to a new t-shirt and a new belt. I went with a size S to show off my new muscles that Ive been working so hard on. All in all new belt and t shirt i looked pretty fucking good. So I get to the show and i start making eyes with this girl... I mean shes cute enough, and we exchange some cute glances and smiles. Sorta humoring her... and making me feel good about myself.

After the show some fat girl comes up to me with a piece of paper in her hand and gives it to me

"my friend thinks you're hella hot" and walks off... I respond with "who's your friend" she points to the girl that I've been exchanging glances with through the show. So what do you suppose my natural response is...

"she must not know who i am"

I feel so unattractive

2009-09-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

So after 10 years of putting it off i finally got my wisdom teeth taken out... All in all the teeth part wasnt a huge deal at all. They dont hurt or bother me at all now that theyre out. But you know what does hurt... The retard of a dentist cut the fuck out of my lip during the process. So now im walking around town with stitches in my lip. Looks like a fucking cold sore. And I thought well ill just lay low until they get taken out but then i find out today they dont come out until next tuesday... Thats a fucking week away.

What does this have to do with anything you may be asking yourself? Well ive got like 3 girls right now i could hang out with... how many do you think ill be hanging out with now with this god damned hamburger meat looking lip. It looks like a busted open pomegranate.

Next week better be better than this one.

Should I be insulted?

2009-09-08T23:30:00.001-07:00

I'm back... I wasn't motivated for a bit, but we find inspiration in the best of places.

I always have a go to girl if I really feel like I need to have a "release". And i think that's something every man and woman should have. Also i think that massage parlors should ALL give HJs. Its medical, men need that release... and i don't care how much women deny it, I believe with all of my heart you ladies need it too.

So why be bashful, if you wanna fuck find somebody with similar interests and explain to them the rules. But we need to be careful with whom we pick to share in this perfect arrangement. I seem to have an easier time than most with this task, but like I've said a million times before I am a word smith and I can convince a girl anything... But that's a double swinging door... i truly believe a girl could convince me to do most things if they dangle the idea of sex in front of me. Do i need to specify she needs to be hot for the prior statement to be true?

Anyways, its not that Ive been with out sexual escapades over the last few weeks its just that they have been less than eventful. I mean i wouldn't pull up this blog every time Ive treated myself to a special night home alone. Well actually lets never say never... because who knows i just may run out of material here one day and Ill have to resort to going into detail about how i get when I go for the onesome.

Off my game

2009-08-09T20:43:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it is. I have hot months and cold months... This one so far seems like its going to turn out to be a cold month. Every few months or so every girl i pass seems attractive to me and I start getting weird feelings like maybe I need a girlfriend. Yeah scary I know.

Prospects as of now... Car crash victim, and a girl that solicited MY number.

Now lets discuss this girl that asked for my number. We text back and forth every now and then but nothing ever comes of it. She seems like she can never hang out... Listen lady if you wanted a text buddy you should have bought a puppy. I don't have time for cute little messages every few days. Either come over and take off your top or don't... But i sure as fuck am not gonna take you out on the town, spend some serious money and say nice things to you....

Well if you gave me like 2 more weeks on this road I'm traveling i would probably do just that... Just be a super sensual lover. But as of right now Ive got a quota to hit and ill be god damned if I'm not gonna make it.

yes, Netflix is still out!!!!

What else am i gonna do

2009-08-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

I had a whole day planned. I was gonna go to brunch, go to Costco, then just snack it up in front of the TV. Netflix finally got seasons 1-4 of Lost. Ive never seen this show before but anybody who has is constantly telling me how my life is incomplete because I haven't seen it. So far its pretty good. I still don't quite understand how its soooo crazy... but maybe I just need to watch more...

Well Netflix isn't working... So I thought maybe I would write some shit... I'm at a point in my novel i cant get past so... it looks like its time to blog it up.

Friday August 7th

My idiot employee crashed my car. Called me in a panic asking if i could come up there and help him deal with the police. So I hop on my bike and haul ass up there... While I'm riding I start to day dream about how what if he crashed into a car full of hot chicks and this would be the jump off point to a meaningful relationship.

I fucking kid you not... Who should be standing around with the little retard when i arrive... A CAR FULL OF FUCKING HOT CHICKS!!!!!

I pull up and these girls look pissed. I mean how can you blame them a 4 foot tall Mexican just crashed into them and came up with some crazy story about how its not his car and what not. I hop off the bike and walk up and introduce myself... I mean I'm not a big guy by any means but i would think I'm a pretty intimidating person. But almost immediately these girls frowns turn upside down. In a matter of minutes were joking and laughing getting to know each other. Just having a good ole time I mean aside from the point they had just been in a car crash. So after about 5 or so mins 2 of the girls need to leave because they have a hair appointment. I can see how that's very serious and they should leave their friend alone to wait for the police with two complete strangers. Now its just the 3 of us... if it were up to mean i would send captain dipshit back to work to scrub the toilets and leave me to this damsel in distress, but he probably needed to talk to the cops... Me and homegirl make small talk for a bit waiting and I'm slowly building up the courage to ask this girl out...

Yeah yeah yeah... so I'm gonna ask out a girl that just got in a car crash... I've done worse

So the cop finally shows up and literally takes five mins to do his shit. I walk over to say good bye and as I'm about to launch into my "hey let me make this up to you" speech, god damned Carlos is right by my side yapping on and on about how he sorry and what not..

Fucking little Mexican just cost me more than a new bumper... mother fucker.

But don't fret she came into the restaurant later that night and i got her number... We'll probably date soon.

And i cant wait to dish out the dirty details.

Verbal Contract

2009-08-07T13:01:00.001-07:00

I'm a man of my word. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I would never dream of making a promise I didn't intend on keeping... Ok Ok ok.... 3 sentences in and I'm already lying. Who am I kidding i lie and break promisises all the fucking time. But thats besides the point.
I was taken down there under false pretenses with the intent on intercourse. I held up every end of my deal. And no follow through. None. Well we kicked it nipple to nipple for like five mins. I think things might have been different if i would have been willing to make concessions.

"well are you going to tell everybody?" she has the nerve to ask
"well yeah of course im going to tell everybody" I didnt wanna lie. Half of the reason I do the things I do is to tell you guys about it. To me comedy is king. I dont even like girls that much. But I do these things in hope that I get a chuckle or a smirk out of you.
And that my friends is the gods honest truth.

I didnt major in math

2009-08-03T14:53:00.001-07:00

Well I've got bad news for all of you who were emotionally involved . I spent a few solid days racking my brain trying to think of a monumental #30... Then as I was out running errands i happened down a street that looked semi familiar... Yep... i did it with a girl in those apartments... I would have never remembered unless i ventured down this street. So all along Ive been at 30 since my last escapade. And I suppose in its own way the real number 30 was alright... I mean nothing to write home about, certainly not monumental. But there is definite repeat business possibilities with it.

So in short... It looks like #50 is going to have to be a circus event, true showmanship, a story to tell future generations.

Well it looks like I've got some work to do. What this means to you as the reader? 20 stories filled with humor, humiliation, and hepatitis. My favorite H's.

You cant just put that anywhere

2009-07-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

I'm at a monumental moment in my life. About to turn a large stone. I'm staring 30 years old in the face, I turn 29 in a couple weeks. That's not the stone for this article though. I'm about to roll over 30 on my sexual escapades odometer. Now that number may be impressive to some and pathetic to others, but I'm proud of it. When i was about 14 i thought i would never have sex. I would have actually bet you some sort of money on that fact. Little did I know a year later some girl was gonna throw her self at me and thus start me on the crazy roller coaster called lust.

I wanted to do something special for number 30. Like maybe buy a prostitute or maybe have an episode with a lady outside of my comfort level. I'm still not sure how I'm gonna celebrate but Ive got about 2 weeks to decide. Ive given myself till my birthday to figure it out. If Ive come up with nothing by then, ill just settle for what ever comes along.

How am I gonna explain this one?

2009-07-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

My house is either sweltering hot, or deathly cold. I have central air, and I was always of the understanding that's what rich folk have. The window A/C units are for college kids and poor people. Now that I've experienced both I really couldn't tell you what the difference is. So to fight fire with fire, I walk around in my underwears a lot. Well if I'm home alone i am at least topless. Some times when I'm not alone. Now with that said, I am in a constant struggle to make my house more comfortable. About a week ago I had a life changing break through. Whats better than sitting? Laying down of course. My couch is double functioning pull out bed. So what do you think I did? Yeah your right pulled the bed out and now that's just how the couch is. Makes my afternoons off all that more relaxing.

Well how do you fight hunger you ask? Simple, two words; Hot Pockets. They re wonderful. Perfect size, if I'm way hungry i can eat two no problem.

So today at work was overly dragging, it may have a little to do with i haven't been sleeping lately but it could also be Ive completely checked out of work over the last few weeks. Who knows I got my doctorate in philanthropy not psychology. Well reasons aside i called it a day at around 1. Made it home tore off the clothes threw a hot pocket in the microwave. Climbed into couch, and settled in for what could be the greatest day of TV watching since the days of Mansion living(inside joke you wouldn't get it). Minding my own business enjoying a diet coke and hot pocket, the molten cheese dripped out and dropped right on my inner thigh. Ok now I've burned my self before more than once even. I could not even describe the pain in words. Instant blister. Instant. I jumped in the coldest shower I've ever taken. Put ice on it. Nothing... Looks like I've got a god damned cold sore on my thigh half and inch from my balls.

Well i don't really know how to wrap this story up but Ive got a date tonight... And this girl might of had a shot in taking my pants off. But i think i might be feeling a little shy for the next few days. Stupid hot pockets.

I am officially a dork.

2009-07-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

So if you can believe it or not I'm not an accomplished writer. I'm not even a paid writer . I only recently became aware it was something I wanted to take serious. So until writing starts paying the bills I keep my day job. I own a small business, a small local restaurant to be more specific. Its probably the easiest yet most stressful job all at the same time. Now that I can say I'm a small business owner I can now also say I understand the plight of other small businesses. And honestly you couldn't understand it until you're put into the situation. So in turn I try to support other small businesses as much as I possibly can.

A recent fad in SLC is food vendor carts. For some reason its the novelty that attracts people not the convenience. I suppose it makes everybody feel like we're a big city too. Now don't get me wrong. I eat at the taco cart at least 3 times a week, usually more. And the fact that one of my employees is a 4 foot tall Mexican that is a bad influence on me doesn't help one bit.
And now a new spot opened up a few weeks back right around the corner from my work. And ever since I've been meaning to go and introduce myself and get some veggie hot dogs. I'm not a vegan or vegetarian but I was for about 6 years so I still have an appreciation for vegetarian foods.
I snuck out the back to avoid having to get anybody else food too. Made the 1/2 block trip. The girl working, assuming she was the proprietor, was actually quite attractive. And i know shes probably somebodies GF anyways. I also am trying to establish business friendship, not another sleazy story to post on here. But she was attractive none the less, so the whole rehearsed introductions I had come up with on the way over went right out the window. I just got shy and quiet instead. Ordered my food, joked about how they need to invent a white persons jalapeno'. Now let me explain that one before your mind tracks else where. I love the flavor of jalapenos but they're too spicy, and i don't do spicy. So imagine if they made a jalapeno with all of the goodness and flavor but with out the spice. Yeah it would be perfect for all of us gringos. Well she thought I was funny and I'll take that. So she hands me my vegan chili dog and says
"three fifty" I hand her a $10 and say thanks and try to walk off. Here is where the problem exists. The cart is located on the corner of a semi busy street. I perfectly missed the go ahead and walk sign. So I'm sitting there looking like a god damned fool. I just tipped this girl over 50% of the cost of the stupid hot dog, so I obviously look like a show off. See to me i did it because I wanna support this business and want them to succeed. People did the same for me when I was getting off the ground and I like to return the favor. But to her I just look like a bozo that thinks tipping is the way to get girls to like you. While were on the subject tipping the girl at your favorite coffee spot doesn't mean she will wanna date you. Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in tipping. One of my favorite sandwich places doesn't have a tip jar and it just weirds me the fuck out.
So I'm standing on the corner looking like a god damned fool. And for some reason it pains me to not turn around and look at this girl, but i hold strong. I don't turn, i just do the normal routine. Look at my cell phone, stretch up on to my toes, crack my neck, ok now I'm out of material and the light still hasn't turned. Fuck it, I want out of this situation right now. So I choose to just go ahead and dodge traffic and run across the street anyways. Surprisingly I make it to the other side unharmed. Now i feel comfortable in turning to look at this girl. Shes not even there anymore! She did some crazy magic trick and replaced her self with a dood.

I'm beginning to think I think too much. Maybe I should consider smoking weed.

Tragically flawed

2009-07-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

I left work early today. Completely floored by this migraine. Recipe for a cure? Sit in the dark and watch movies. Those who know me realize I am a sucker for romantic comedies. They are my absolute favorite. But you know the problem with every single one of them? They always end the movie after the couple finally realizes they are in love. Lets revisit them 2 weeks down the road. After the guy has convinced this girl that sex is the next logical step for a relationship. Yeah sure everything is great in the beginning, but what about once everything turns routine. Then we get to the point where everything this woman says is like nails on a chalk board. Thats reality!

I think Tom Hanks said it best

"I have aids"

No wait sorry wrong movie.

Ok thats totally besides the point. This headache is killing me. Sorry to cut the post short. Maybe ill come back to this.

You aint gotta lie to kick it

2009-07-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this phenomenon is a worldly occurrence, or if this just happens to me. Women lie, in a general term thats not news. But specifically to me its about our sexual escapades. I always thought boys were supposed to lie about having sex with girls & not the other way around. And really in my honest oppinion its sorta juvenile in the second place. These stories are reserved for jocks on the JV football team. Why would I ever need to lie about my experiences with a woman, bad or good? Trust me lady if I really wanted to I could very easily trick you into having relations with me. Probably more than once even.

If we were all super heros, my super power would be my talent for words, and their suggestive meanings. If I was less of a person I could very easily find a girl to pay my mortgage, and yes this time I am bragging. And this might very well be from my inability to feel anything more then sexual feelings towards a girl. Ok we're getting side tracked again.

It happens pretty often around here. Its my writing style get used to it if you wanna read my shit.

Yeah, do you see the trend here... Im in a very arrogant mood today.

So girls lie. And I dont have an issue with lies, I actual am a master of my craft in the ways of lying. But really lady? If you're gonna go around and tell your girlfriends we had sex... why didnt we just have sex? I mean if you're gonna be out spewing all the dirty details, that never happened, trust me I can give you some material. I could give you enough stories to write a novel.

Im a sure thing sister.

There is no need for lies, they reflect badly on both of us.

Its that easy

2009-07-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't call myself educated. I didn't finish high school for starters. Don't mistake that for something its not, I'm not an idiot by any means. I could go as far as to say I'm pretty intelligent for the most part. Not in your traditional sense, but if you threw me to the wolves i would do just fine. I am a word smith, by my own right.

Where am I going with this?

Well its just a warm up to me describing how I choose my words very carefully. I, unlike many, think about what I am going to say before i blurt it out. Maybe thats why I am so quiet. But via text or aim or anything i can take the time to respond I do very well. Im not bragging about this by any means and some people mistake it for me being introverted and sometimes a down right asshole... I just don't announce every little thing that comes across my desk.

So were back to fishing. I threw out a text the other day, with some very specific requirements. Not a single response. I figured as much. I wont disclose exactly what was said, but lets just say it was very direct and very to the point. And I certainly meant for it to be that way. I don't want somebody over here with the idea that its gonna go down the old fashion way.

3 days later, in line for coffee(fuck dont get me started on waiting in line for coffee, actually maybe that will be the inspiration for next post).

"Hey" i hear behind me.

"oh hay whats up?" I say back, its one of the select that received the text

"so that was an interesting text i got from you the other night"

"oh yeah?" almost pretending I had no idea what she was talking about

"hmm well i probably would have taken you up on it if you weren't so blunt" she says surprisingly passive.

At this point I am red face embarrassed. Once again i dont have the luxury of time to think out my responses. So i shrug my shoulders and tell her ill probably see her around...

And once she was out of eye sight i shoot out the text

"my wording was very intentional. I didn't want you to get all the way over here and expect me to wear a condom"

Quick note.. and always keep in mind

2009-06-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

Dont make biting motions at a girls butt... She doesnt like it... She wont wanna talk to you after.

Now i know... and its a mistake i can learn from.

Im not sure thats a good idea

2009-06-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today I found my self in the most helpless situation i think ive ever been in. Its quite a long story and its not at all funny, so i'll go ahead and spare you the details. Lets just say it ended up with me sitting in front of a truck stop, waiting for the greyhound.

Im walking around looking like a god damned homeless person, wandering into hotels asking for pads of paper and pens. I wanted them to make some notes on. They just thought i was homeless and give me what I want to avoid a scene.

Its 11:30 now and the bus comes at 12:25. I pass the time by playing some tetris and making fun of people to myself. Every minute closer I get to 12:25 the more I dread getting on the bus to make this 5 hour trip. And start coming up with crazy scenarios that will get me out of it.

For some reason I looked over at the Subway that shared the parking lot. And who should walk out? Actually you wouldnt know her if I told you... But lets just say ill probably be making a post about her one day on here. And needless to say our encounters ended in me laughing and her being upset with me. So I think... "fuck should i ask her for a ride home and have to listen to her spew garbage for 3 hours, or sit on the greyhound and smell garbage for 5 hours"

The smell on the bus wasnt that bad.

I can only be me.

2009-06-13T13:52:00.001-07:00

So I get a little high and dry sometimes. So from time to time I pull out some of my old tactics. Come up with something funny to say. Send out a few myspace messages, maybe some texts... Toss a line out and see what bites... When you've been alone in the boat for too long sometimes you consider a carp. Hopefully we dont spend that much time at sea ever again... Lord knows ive fucked some suspicious fish. Fish? i mean girls... I've made some bad decisions in my time.... Wait... I totally got derailed on my story.

Anyways...

So one late night I found myself in the need of company from a young lady. And I have spent way too much money and candy and soda this week, so hired help is not an option. Well I like to shoot from the hip, so I manage to come up with 4 or 5 witty texts and send em out...

Now this is a small tactic I like to use when im feeling like maybe things could turn to my favor. I send out 3 or 4 messages to the girls I am pretty sure will respond favorably and then I go for broke. I throw out a hail mary... I'll send one to the hottest girl i know at the time.

About 15 mins after the texts go out I get a response.

ITS HER! (the hot one)

*this is all paraphrased i dont remember the actual conversation*

GIRL: Really? you wanna hang out? Im down I dont have work tomorrow and im not tired at all?

ME: Wait what the fuck? seriously?

GIRL: Well yeah? why did you text me if you didnt want me to come over

ME: Good point... See You in 15

I give her the directions and sit and wait anxiously. After about 45 mins ive lost hope figure she fell asleep or found some other dood. Just as im getting ready to call it a night... Phone rings. She is out side.

I walk out to the patio to walk her in. And shes climbing out of the car and I notice she has something in her arms..

"holy shit! Is that an animal?" I ask

"yeah this is my puppy i cant leave her home alone" she says like its no big deal.

"you cant bring that thing inside. Sorry rules are rules" I very sternly announce.

"are you serious, what am i supposed to do with her?" she says.

"beats me but youre sure as shit not coming in here with that"

I still havent talked to her.

You need more friends.

2009-05-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

When i originally started this blog, my intentions were to mix my experiences with girls and my quest for treats. My true hopes are to one day find a girl who can enjoy treats and soda to the same degree as me. What can I say, Im a sucker for an easy looking girl and a diet coke.

I was at the store looking for my usual score of candy, soda, ice cream and some type of magazine. Yeah the typical order for a middle aged house wife.

I still dont remember how i made it there but some how I had wandered into the pharmacy area of the store. Maybe looking for some type of alergy medicine, or antacids.

Lost in thought and staring blankly at the shelves. I hear a voice. Quiet at first but every time she repeats, she gets just a little louder.

"oh my... my my my... hmm oh hmmm" she says.

This lady who is looking lost and darting her stare around the store, not really focusing on anything in particular. Would we call her a lady? Well, maybe a girl. I dont know where the cut off point is. I will go out on a limb here and say she would probably be a solid 7.5 if she wasnt wearing; sweats, slippers, and some obscure college t-shirt. Yeah we get it.. You went to college. I might be impressed if i was trying to date you. But unfortunately candy is my mistress for the evening.

"oh my... my my my... .... hmm oh my" she whispers again...

And then I notice she's discreetly trying to get my attention while cleverly pretending her only audience is herself.

Ok, I'll bite....

"I think the home pregnancy tests are in then next aisle over"

Did I say that out loud?

2009-05-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

"Do you think that lady would be upset if i yelled fuck you, you pregenant bitch?"

So I drink a lot of soda, a lot of coffee and have mucho stress. The repercussions for such are I have bad teeth. I mean if you looked at me you wouldnt think so. They're straight, clean and white and what not, but they just seem to hurt a lot. I dont know, Im not a doctor.

So i went to the dentist this morning. And just my luck the dental assistant is some pregnant lady. Fuck pregenant people make me nervous as fuck. I dont know the protocal for dealing with pregenant people. But as I understand womens boobs grow when they get prego. I dont know if there is a scientific reason for this, or maybe its the natural way of keeping them attractive. They get fat as fuck in the face and are always groaning and grunting. Shit is gross. I guess them getting bigger is just the "boobie prize" (yeah thats a pun. so what of it).

Oh yeah i was talking about the dentist. So this fucking pregnant bitch is waddling me back to the dreaded dental chair. Sits me down and puts that bib thing on me. As shes reaching over me her titty smashes right up against my face. Now this is where I get concearned. I believe in my head i yelled "BOOB!". I could swear in a court of law i never got audible but she jerked back and looked startled. I just pretened i had a text.
Fuck her anyways.

Swine Flu... more like blow job

2009-05-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

You know the news keeps talking about all this shit from the Aids scare to Swine Flu. I dont really give a mother fuck. I try my best to stay healthy. I take my vitamins, I wear a condom when I'm not certain if my companion has been truthful in the retelling of her past sexual escapades. But really, I dont fault her. How can I? Im certain I lied too.

Ive always been a firm believer in the recycling program. And i dont mean disposable waste items.

There is no reason to start getting the lines between truth and last names blurred.

These god damned media lunatics keep telling me what is age appropriate and what isnt. How would you like it if i stuck my finger in your eye? Yeah you wouldnt.

So what the fuck? When you dance with the devil you're gonna get herpes. My grandma always said.

Olive Garden? Fucking Olive Garden?

2009-05-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to this place? I thought I could go through the rest of life ending my Olive Garden experience on a high note.

"a million bread sticks casey?".

No such luck for me. This girl not only wants to go to Olive Garden, but its her favorite fucking restaurant!

I'm sitting there in my seat sarcastically looking over the menu and the waiter comes to take our order. I just randomly pointed at something on the menu, while my "date" sat there and went over the pros and cons of the sea food alfredo. Really? Did you just not sit there for 10 mins prior looking at the nine fucking things on the menu, and now you wanna have a monologue about your decision. Now that i think about it maybe she was talking to me... Who fucking knows. So after a heated debate she settles on the alfredo. Thank the lord!

We're making bull shit small talk and then our food comes out. What the fuck? I eat candy for dinner sometimes so im not known for my worldly palette.

"do you wanna try my food" she says

"not a chance, and don't think its because i don't wanna share my treasure, you're welcome to it." I reply.

"Do you not like it?" she says, as if she thought maybe I was wrong all along and the Olive Garden is amazing.

Im bearing through all of this because I think "well these are just the formalities that Im gonna have to go through in the possible hopes this girl wants to take her clothes off later."

Let me save you the time from any more reading. She didn't. In-fact i was denied an over the shirt boob grab.

Fuck, who needs Doc Brown? I found a time machine back to the 8th grade.

Actually i was getting girls naked in 7th... I've never actually been denied an over the shirt boob grab...

Why?

BECAUSE ITS AN OVER THE SHIRT FUCKING BOOB GRAB!

Kick It!

2009-05-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah the beastie boys started playing in my head as I sat down to write.

Well its been long enough and todays the day. Time to begin a journey.

As we move along you will learn my habits, my ways, faults, and failures.

I havent decided if I should just jump right in or if i should just leave this as my introduction... Hmm

how i met your mother is on and ive got some candy to eat.