On to greener pastures.
hmm now what?
So i made a discovery yesterday. And I've been sitting here staring at a blank screen trying to think of an adjective for it. And you know, for the life of me I cant think of one that is fitting to the emotion that this revelation brings about. I should be happy, because its a good escape route, at the same time I should be depressed because its quite a realistic validation of who I am.
Im a boring person. Its sounds simple, and I think largely as a society we are pretty boring. If you look at everyones day to day life you make the connection that life sucks. But I'm just not as interesting as I thought.
So here is my issue. Every time i find a new girl to hang out with she becomes enthralled with me and acts like Im the coolest dood shes ever met... Sound conceited I know but Im just being real... and give me a second and we'll get full circle. After about week 2 of hanging out with me she's starting to think she wants more out of this relationship. This is the natural progression of every relationship I understand, and i guess i was kidding myself thinking i was different. She wants to go out, she wants to meet my friends, she wants me to meet her friends. And meeting her friends is all good with me... cause that gives me more girls i can potentially bang. Im getting side tracked. So all these years I've been thinking this is just their way of trying to bridge the casual sex to girlfriend gap. But now i see that im wrong. Im just not as interesting as I had always thought. All this time Ive been living under the deception that im awesome at sex and have way funny things to say when we're lying next to each other naked. Why would they ever need anything more. But i guess the charm wears off quick, and the routine gets old.
Maybe its time for some new material.
Some people arent as progressive as me.
This is a real text message conversation between me and a girl i met at the coffee shop the other day.
ME: Hey wanna still hang out tonight?
Her: What'd you have in mind?
Me: Hoodrat stuff?
Her: Haha well anything specific?
Me: Umm I dont know, play tetris, watch a movie, let me try to take your clothes off, I don't really have much of an agenda. Lets just see where the night takes us.
Her: Take my clothes off? Thats most likely a negatory.
Me: Well i did say try.
Her: Well i think to be fair i should let you know I'm pretty damn celibate unless im in a serious relationship.
Me: Oh thats totally cool, Im not at all. I guess this will be a battle between good an evil
Her: hmmm alright?
Me: And who said anything about S anyways... Im just talking about getting you out of your clothes.
Her: "S"? haha No one did, but I usually try to keep my clothes on.
Me: Clothes are restrictive, they stifle our creativity
Her: Well props to you for being creative. If you wanna hang out we can but my clothes are staying on.
Me: Boring.
Her: Ok well have a good night then
Me: Are you in a bad mood or something.
Her: I wasnt till about 615 (its 6:20 now)
Me: Oh really what happened? The Broncos lost at like 3 or 4 you cant still be upset about that can you?
Her: You only want to hang out if I take my clothes off. And so now i dont want to hang out.
Me: Ohhh ok now i get it.
ME: Hey wanna still hang out tonight?
Her: What'd you have in mind?
Me: Hoodrat stuff?
Her: Haha well anything specific?
Me: Umm I dont know, play tetris, watch a movie, let me try to take your clothes off, I don't really have much of an agenda. Lets just see where the night takes us.
Her: Take my clothes off? Thats most likely a negatory.
Me: Well i did say try.
Her: Well i think to be fair i should let you know I'm pretty damn celibate unless im in a serious relationship.
Me: Oh thats totally cool, Im not at all. I guess this will be a battle between good an evil
Her: hmmm alright?
Me: And who said anything about S anyways... Im just talking about getting you out of your clothes.
Her: "S"? haha No one did, but I usually try to keep my clothes on.
Me: Clothes are restrictive, they stifle our creativity
Her: Well props to you for being creative. If you wanna hang out we can but my clothes are staying on.
Me: Boring.
Her: Ok well have a good night then
Me: Are you in a bad mood or something.
Her: I wasnt till about 615 (its 6:20 now)
Me: Oh really what happened? The Broncos lost at like 3 or 4 you cant still be upset about that can you?
Her: You only want to hang out if I take my clothes off. And so now i dont want to hang out.
Me: Ohhh ok now i get it.
This could happen to anybody
So how many names are there really... Like maybe 6. I don't know i didn't count but really as a society we just are not as clever as we let on. So to get two different people with the same name confused is easy really. Yeah i know what you're thinking "that's what we have last names for". Well think about what you just said... Actually no I'll make the connection for you. If it were up to me I wouldn't even learn these girls first names. Last names? Don't be absurd.
Well Ive been working hard on a new go to girl. My first resource is the contacts I already have. So i went though my phone and texted a few girls that i thought might respond favorably. There was a lot of no responses and blow offs... And not the good type of blow off. But as luck would have it I did get a positive response... Well as so I thought.
Girl "Are you serious? I'm down lets hang out"
Me "awesome... come over"
Girl "ok give me like 20"
Me "listen lady i just got home you re gonna have to do something to fill maybe an hour, while i decompress"
Girl "you re a jerk... but ok I haven't seen you for ever"
I think to myself what an odd thing to say... I saw her like a week ago at a show. Well in girl years maybe a week equals like six months. After an hour or so she texts "I'm out side" so i walk out on the porch to meet her... Terror strikes!!!! It all makes sense now!
Its this total ugo that i thought was hot in a dark crowded movie theater but i was wrong wrong wrong. And she conveniently has the same name as this hot girl that Ive been trying to bang for like a year now.
How the fuck do i get out of this one?
Well Ive been working hard on a new go to girl. My first resource is the contacts I already have. So i went though my phone and texted a few girls that i thought might respond favorably. There was a lot of no responses and blow offs... And not the good type of blow off. But as luck would have it I did get a positive response... Well as so I thought.
Girl "Are you serious? I'm down lets hang out"
Me "awesome... come over"
Girl "ok give me like 20"
Me "listen lady i just got home you re gonna have to do something to fill maybe an hour, while i decompress"
Girl "you re a jerk... but ok I haven't seen you for ever"
I think to myself what an odd thing to say... I saw her like a week ago at a show. Well in girl years maybe a week equals like six months. After an hour or so she texts "I'm out side" so i walk out on the porch to meet her... Terror strikes!!!! It all makes sense now!
Its this total ugo that i thought was hot in a dark crowded movie theater but i was wrong wrong wrong. And she conveniently has the same name as this hot girl that Ive been trying to bang for like a year now.
How the fuck do i get out of this one?
Hmm well then...
Well i got broken up with last night. I didn't have a girlfriend or anything but i had this regular thing. And she severed the ties, said it wasn't meant to be. I would be lying if i said i wasn't upset by this. I imagine this is what getting broken up with feels like. Well to a much lesser extent. But just because i rock doesn't mean that I'm made of stone.
So now I'm out there looking for this new go to girl. She needs to be semi attractive and willing to understand the rules of the game. But these girls of the 00's never seem to get it. Maybe ill just have to get a real GF until we hit 2010. I have a feeling girls of the 10's are going to be much more progressive. Sorta like the 90's but better dressed with looser morals.
So heres to the future. And to hell with the past. There is no where to go but up!
So now I'm out there looking for this new go to girl. She needs to be semi attractive and willing to understand the rules of the game. But these girls of the 00's never seem to get it. Maybe ill just have to get a real GF until we hit 2010. I have a feeling girls of the 10's are going to be much more progressive. Sorta like the 90's but better dressed with looser morals.
So heres to the future. And to hell with the past. There is no where to go but up!
Stalking is a criminal offense lady...
Well before i start, I once applied at a grocery store to be one of the guys that stocks the shelves at night, and on my application I put Night Stalker. The interviewer didn't think it was as funny as i did.
Any ways. So old Grossy McGrosserson. Yeah one story below. We're getting close to stalker status. She keeps sending me these creepy text messages. Like "we should hang out again", "i would like to see you", "I miss you". Seriously lady? We hung out one time. I think maybe 24 words were spoken between us. If i remember correct we talked about your job on the way to my house... We walked in and i said "wanna watch a movie?" and you said "not really" then less than 10 mins later i was balls deep in your so called vagina... And that's still under debate. Its not even possible for you to know enough about me to even know what it would feel like to miss me. Get real. Take care of your child.
But all this reminds me of a past experience. About 3 years or so ago... maybe 2 I don't really remember. I met a girl at a bowling alley she seemed sorta cute, well cute enough to convince we should bang. Oddly enough we never did. But I did eventually get her over to my house and got her into her underwears. I think she was on her womanly cycle and that's why we couldn't slam privates. I don't know like Ive said before... I'm no doctor.
After that she started getting weird... like bringing me treats to my work, and i never told her where i work... Calling at like 9 am seeing if i could hang out, crazy shit like that... So one day she texted literally at 9 am asking if i wanted to hang out... I made up a lie saying i was sick... Well what do you think she did? Just say "oh well feel better and hit me up when you are"... NO SHE DIDNT... she kept calling and texting and once i stopped responding she came to my fucking house with a can of soup!!! I hear a knock at the door... I instantly hit the deck... Army crawl to the window and peak out... She's standing there looking like a lost puppy with a can of shitty Campbell's in her hand... Get a life bitch... I army crawl back out of sight in case she decides to peer though the windows (which she did). Feeling out of harms way in my room I have a flash back to me telling her "Yeah i never really lock my back door". It was like a scene out of a horror movie. I instantly had a cold flash over my body and a overwhelming sense of fear. So back to the floor i go, crawl into my office and take up solace in the closet clutching a gun.
Sure enough i hear the back door creak open and a voice "Hello? Are you home?" Are you fucking kidding me lady, is this for real. She is wandering though my house looking for me. What am I gonna do if she finds me in the closet? How am I going to explain why I'm hiding? In my head I'm convinced I'm just going to have to kill this girl and hide her body in the woods. Luckily it never got that far. She had her way in my house for about five mins then left... after about an hour of crying and convincing myself it was ok I emerged from my hiding place. What do i find? The can of soup and a note expressing her feelings for me.
That was the last I heard of her... But i think i heard a few months ago she was in town and asking about me.
It cant be pre-marital if i never plan on getting marital.
OK well its not that i don't have any stories... Cause I do. A gross one. Seriously gross, like makes me gag reliving it in my head. And really I didn't expect it to all that awesome, there comes a time in every mans life when the word gets uttered... "slump bust" yes ladies and gentleman I had to go for the slump bust. But the horror i saw while in those trenches might result in some type of professional counseling in the distant future. Like somebody that counsels Nam Vets. Somebody that knows how to deal with real trauma.
But after this real horror show i was thinking... What about those poor men who have made a strong conviction to stay celibate until marriage. Can you imagine how you would feel dating a girl and thinking you love her enough to spend the rest of your life with her and not have any clue what type of offense she is running down there? Then that magical night comes about. Your first sexual experience and this girl has a 70s bush with some type of feminine odor problem. What now? You just swore before god and jesus that you will obey and cherish this stinky hairy sasquach for the rest of your life.
So back to my argument. How can you truly love a girl if you don't know her every inch. How could you look a woman in the eye that physically disgusts you. And the sad thing is these people that are such avid no pre-marital are the same types that are very anti divorce. I cant even think of a worse hell than that. I really cant.
On a closer. I had to throw my sheets away.
But after this real horror show i was thinking... What about those poor men who have made a strong conviction to stay celibate until marriage. Can you imagine how you would feel dating a girl and thinking you love her enough to spend the rest of your life with her and not have any clue what type of offense she is running down there? Then that magical night comes about. Your first sexual experience and this girl has a 70s bush with some type of feminine odor problem. What now? You just swore before god and jesus that you will obey and cherish this stinky hairy sasquach for the rest of your life.
How i've come to this conclusion was born from this last experience. This last girl on the surface was a solid 6 and i think i could even bump her up to a 6.5 if we took her out shopping for some nicer clothes. Like she could probably convince some idiot she is wife material. Because she was semi cute on the surface and an ok personality, but once we get into the thick of things is when it all started falling apart. Boobs were floppy and gross. Her stomach had these nasty stretch marks. And this may be true or not and I'm no doctor, but i think her vagina and asshole had merged into one single hole. She had a kid but i think the fucker is like 6 by now... that's plenty of time to get back to your once true shape.
So back to my argument. How can you truly love a girl if you don't know her every inch. How could you look a woman in the eye that physically disgusts you. And the sad thing is these people that are such avid no pre-marital are the same types that are very anti divorce. I cant even think of a worse hell than that. I really cant.
On a closer. I had to throw my sheets away.
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